Launching Operation “O”

 

 

OK. It’s not fancy, but it’s official.  As of today, September 27, 2009 @ 9PM, I am now living “Oprahtically”.

Meaning?

My Best Life Now!!

1 Day at a time, one new tip, trick, or “a-ha” at a time. This blog is designed to monitor the progress I make on a year long journey of self-improvement and discovery I am embarking on, in an attempt to radically turn my life around and achieve some very important but long-put-off goals. I will be utilizing on a daily basis the wisdom, wit, and inspiration of Oprah Winfrey and her many partners/contributors, from every form of media- her show, magazine, website, etc., applying little nuggets of advice to a wide array of problem areas I intend to work on and improve. Everything from my money/career (or lack thereof), my health and physical fitness (again, or lack thereof), beauty and weight concerns (trust me, there are a lot!), mental health, addiction issues, spiritual questions, creative dreams and visions I desperately wish to achieve, family connections, friends (again, or lack thereof!) cooking, organization (GOOD GOD! Do I need help with that one! Julie Morgenstern….pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaassssssse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *can you sense that I’m dying here*) oh, and yeah, I almost forgot!

LOVE!  (Sh!t! How could I possibly forget that???????) I need some massive schooling in the relationship department. And, if Oprah can set me up with Demetri Martin, well…that’d be pretty kick-ass too.

In a nutshell, I’m a 39- year-old trainwreck of a woman who over the past 5-years has pulled a complete Hurricane Katrina on her life.  In February 2005…I think it was right before Valentine’s Day in fact…I left a 17- year marriage after being physically abused just one too many times. An argument with my husband (which took place in the shower of all places) spun so violently out of control it shook me to my very core and left me so terrified I felt that this time…had to be the last time, I had to get away once and for all. So, in a blaze of fear and fury, I fled. (After putting some clothes on, of course)

There were, however, just a few problems with me running out the door like Jumpin’ Jack Flash. I’ll get into those more in depth in the next few posts. My story is so mind-numbingly convoluted that it is much easier to digest when consumed in small chunks, much like a tough cut of meat. I’ll try to tenderize it a little for ya. One thing’s for certain-while my story may be a little tough with plenty of gristle (I just really like using the word “gristle” whenever I can!), it sure does contain a whole lotta flavor.    

I have arrived at a point in my life where everything I knew or though was real crumbled, and I have tried and tried to start over, but rather than picking myself and the pieces of my imploded life up and putting them back together, I  have more or less flopped and flopped and…well, flopped, like a fish out of water. A really big fish too, I might add. Like a King Salmon. Or a Baby Beluga. And at this point in the game, I’m tired of flopping. I hurt, like all over. Particularly my hip, which was just fractured earlier this month due to a particularly impressive “flopping” about of mine, when I fell down out in the middle of Downtown Seattle wearing the same dress I’d been wearing for the past four days accessorized beautifully with ridiculously high 4-inch wedge sandals which are really, realy cute, but should not be worn by someone who has been on an almost week-long vodka-and-chicken-fried-steak diet.

Do you  kinda see where this is going?

Do you kinda see why I might need like an “Extreme Life Makeover”???

For me, that’s what this Year Of Living Oprahtically is all about. It’s about me breaking down my life – which isn’t hard, it’s already crumbled down to the consistency of a nice blue cheese – examining and taking an inventory of every area, every facet, seeing where I’m at, and making big notes of the lessons I have learned. For any 12-steppers out there, you might relate to this as the ultimate 4th Step! LOL. Then, after my inventory has been taken, goals and dreams are assessed, and then I’m going to seek out solutions and devise a plan for me to achieve those goals. Much of the knowledge and support I intend to draw upon will be found within Oprah’s network, which I believe at this point, is far more vast than the Milky Way.  It’s also a little play on the title of AJ Jacobs bestselling My Year Of Living Biblically. God, I hope he doesn’t sue me.  (Maybe he won’t if I plug his book here)

 

Genius!

I just came up with the idea of, ok…this guy went out and lived strictly by the bible for one year, and recorded all the changes he noted in his life.  I wanted to take a year for myself and see what type of change and transformation I could make, and I thought to myself, “What would be the result if someone (like me) applied all of the little tips and ideas for Living Your Best Life NOW!? How much better would my life really be?” So the concept of “Living Oprahtically” came to mind, because you could pretty much create a whole school of philosophy based upon the volumes and volumes of information and help she and her guests have doled out over the years. If I live, every day, in accordance with Oprah’s mantra to Live My Best Life NOW!, (Is there a registered trademark on that thing?) applying on a daily basis the vast array of tips, tools,and techniques taught through her tv show and magazine, will I emerge a happier, healthier, wealthier, more luscious, thin and gorgeous, better-educated, more successful and just all-around-more supreme human being?

I sure as hell hope so. Cause I am in some serious need of upgradement. (Yes, I do realize that is not a real word. It should be.)

OK, so… I am going to take on my issues,and one by one, apply an “Oprahism” or two to each, and within a year’s time, we’ll see where I’m at.  At best- I will have lost 40 lbs, and have honed a body that would rival Megan Fox’s, shaved 10 years off my looks, launched a small company, written 2 memoirs and a screenplay, established myself as a queen of burlesque, starred in numerous local theatre productions, saved $10,000, eliminated all debt and cleared my horrific credit, traveled abroad to do missionary work, come home to a shopping spree, hot new haircut and a load of sexy makeup, a fantastic new apartment completely furnished with everything I have ever wanted that is cool…oh yeah.  And a husband. Perhaps I would have picked him up while overseas doing the work of God? Perhaps.

 

More likely, I’m hoping at least I can be back into a size 6, working at a job that does not require me to be a human cuisinart, doing something that is hopefully at least peripherally involved with theatre/comedy/writing/singing, etc. (I could have just said “creative arts” and been done with it), not guzzling a bottle of vodka every day, have a few friends, be cool with my family…oh yeah, it might be nice to have my own place again, and a car. Some dignity would be nice. And some sassy hair and at least a couple pairs of really great shoes. Oh yeah. And a man. An attractive one at that. 

And my toenail fungus cleared up.  Some glasses too, those I could really use. May as well spring for the Miracle Ear exam as well, I swear I am morphing into Helen Keller more and more every day.

Maybe I’ll solve the mysteries of my adoption and figure out finally the truth about my biological parents.

Perhaps I will learn how to write and express myself succinctly. Perhaps. 

JUVADERM!

You know, for once, I am actually truly excited ! I feel like this little blog and experiment of mine just might change my life!

Oh wait, yeah…right…that’s the whole point, isn’t it?!