Who Is This Freak?

That freak be me, LeDonna Lee!

Girl in need of a new life and some sanity!

Girl who needs to give up so much meat and cheese. Sigh. See, I told you I would feel bloated after my impromptu cheesy cold-cut binge. I do, and I think I have heartburn now too. Awesome. Now I feel a lot like this guy here:

Good old Henry. Absolutely one of my favorite fat-asses of all time.

Alright, so, this is me:

Well, it’s pretty much me, except these are slightly sexified homemade headshots with virtual makeover hair. Actually, my hair is pretty similar to what you see, except it’s not quite so full, lustrous, shiny, bouncy or healthy. The texture of my actual hair more closely resembles something closer to Danny Bonaduce’s, or one of those copper Chore Boy kitchen scouring pads.

Ok, here are some other more “real” pics of me:

I guess I’ll stop now, I didn’t mean for these to stack up as such and I can’t figure out how the hell to fix it to where they line up n a row. See, another reason I need a life makeover- my brain is not even sharp enough to operate simple blog editing software! 

Ok, one more that is fairly recent:WhatI like about this one is that if you look closely, you will see that I have my index finger kind of tucked behind my jawline. No, it’s not because I had some crazy itch that had to be scratched- I did that to hold up my jowls so I’d have less creasing by my lips.  God, getting older really sucks. That’s what part of my “Best Life Now” plan includes a heaping helping of Juvaderm in those awful “parentheses”, and I don’t care if I have to panhandle or prostitute myself to get it.

So you may be saying to yourself, “Hey, she’s not all that bad looking. In fact, she’s pretty cute. What the hell is all this bitching about? God I hate these stupid high maintenance wenches who just whine, whine whine!” I know, I’m not that hard on the eyes. In fact, I get compliments every day by at least one person (usually homeless, but hey) telling me I am beautiful, blah blah blah. That’s not my main issue. I mean sure, I do wish to take 10 years off my face and take radical charge against the impending mudslide downwards my skin make make any day now. I make look alright for my age now, but it’s only a matter of time before I wake up to look in the mirror and see that overnight I have morphed into Abe Vigoda, or Mr. Magoo.

What you don’t see, however, is the mess that’s on the inside. If you were to peel off my skin and look inside, you’d find Angelina Jolie from “Girl, Interrupted” sitting in Courtney Love’s lap getting her hairbrushed while Amy Winehouse belts out “I’m No Good”. And if you look closely, tucked in that dark recess in the back of my brain, you’ll notice that’s Sylvia Plath roasting her head as if it were Thanksgiving turkey. Oh, and that thing that’s wadded up in the fetal position lodged in my ass? That would be Anna Nicole Smith.

And you probably also detected a delicious stench gently wafting-this is because I actually do not pump blood through my veins,as long ago it was all converted to pure raw sewage, seeing that my body has been pretty much nothing but a toxic waste dump from the time I was a little girl. In fact, I would bet that if there had been an ultrasound picture of my tiny fetid fetus, you would have seen a little green grouch in a mini trash can. Yep. I would put cash money on it.

                                                                                                                                                                          

And also, notice these pictures are all headshots. Just wait until you see my ass. Here’s a hint: Black men LOVE me. 

My body is just a little too bootilicious for ya, babe.  Actually, my ass isn’t even that big. I’m not super-huge, I’m pretty average, and I actually have nice curves. At this point in the game I’m actually afraid to lose too much weight because I don’t want to lose my prize possession(s)…referring to “my girls”, to coin a phrase Scarlett Johansson coined referring to her breasts. See, the one thing I have going for me…I have to say is, that I have nice tits. This is of particular importance, because I have not always had such heavenly, amazing cleavage.

Most of my life I was actually pretty flat-chested, even during times of weight gain. Around my mid-30′s, something just happened, and it was like, voila! I had flowered all over again. It was kind of like a second puberty. I’m not sure if has anything to do with the “sexual peak” thing, but I am not asking too many questions. They are here, they are natural, they are mine. And I am terrified that one day, I’ll wake up and they’ll be gone…or flopping againt my ribcage like two deflated squeak toys.

So again, my goals for a makeover surely are not just centered around all that is physical. I do want to lose weight, but I am more concerned with learning truly healthy eating as a lifestyle, and getting my body really fit, strong and flexible. Right now I’m stiff and still limping around due to falling and hurting my hip, which resulted in a hairline fracture. So I would like to be in a place where I don’t gimp around like Quasimodo, or wake up in the morning with the gait of Herman Muenster. Wait, I spelled that wrong, it’s not like the cheese! LOLOLOL!

OK, so not that you have a visual, we will move on to delving a little deeper into my background story….